The Lies That Depression Will Tell You

You are worthless

Depression chips away at your self-confidence, your hopes and dreams will be shattered into a million pieces as you become convinced that there is no point in trying because you will fail anyway. It is because of this that I contemplated quitting my BA Hons and MSc numerous times. My work was rubbish, so what was the point in making myself poorly in order to reach deadlines? Wrong. With help and guidance I achieved a 2.1 overall, 0.6% off a first, and then a Merit at Masters.

You’re a burden

You don’t smile or laugh anymore. You sleep a lot, cancel plans, and have to be reminded to shower and eat properly. You’re a grown adult, shouldn’t you be doing these things for yourself? Wrong again. I know myself that during a bad dip I will revert to being a child in an adult’s world. I will need reminding to wash my clothes and keep my flat tidy. I will need a telling off for eating convenience foods, as opposed to healthy, nutritious meals. Heck, sometimes my brother will even come round to do my cleaning for me as I struggle to summons the energy to scrape myself up off of the sofa.

You don’t deserve to be happy

You’re a burden, weak and lazy, so why do you deserve the same level of happiness as those who aren’t? Because you are you. You are a strong warrior, fighting the hardest battle of your life. If that isn’t worthy of happiness then I don’t know what is. 

This is your fault

For years I believed that this was my fault. If I hadn’t been drinking that Martini I wouldn’t of had those panic attacks. If I hadn’t of left Asda I wouldn’t have wound up agoraphobic. If I’d have stood up for myself in school I wouldn’t have social anxiety – the list is endless. 

If you take only one thing away from this blog, please believe me when I say that this is NOT your fault, these were and are merely triggers – as my psychologist said to me, this was always going to happen.

You’re lazy

I’ve been known to sleep for 19/24 hours. While chronic fatigue will take control of my body, I will still feel guilty for sleeping through the day while others are out working hard. If they can go to bed at a decent hour and make it through the day without a nap then why can’t I? Because I’m poorly, that’s why. You will rest up with flu or a stomach bug so why should it be any different with depression? 

While people understand the repercussions of physical illness, sadly the same can’t be said for mental illness. There’s that whole concept of ‘it’s all in your head’. Yes it may be psychological but it’s both mentally and physically exhausting being at war with your own mind. Just envisage how tired you are following a day of reading or being sat behind a computer. Your mind has been working overtime in order to process the information before your eyes. Now take that level of fatigue and add in intrusive thoughts and anxiety – your mind never fully rests.

Things will never get better

You won’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because there’s a big wall blocking it – depression. What I do suggest, from experience, is to focus on the here and now, take things day by day.

Not only this but set yourself goals,  however big or small. If you haven’t managed to shower for a few days, aim to be in the bath or shower by 6pm, and treat yourself to a bath bomb, or a warm drink and some chocolate.

I’ve also found writing my goals down to be helpful, as it then allows me to feel a sense of pride and achievemt from ticking them off once completed.

You’re weak

This is my mind and my body so shouldn’t I be in control of it? No. That’s like expecting a victim of cancer to prevent it from spreading, without any medical input.

People living with mental illness are the strongest of them all. There is nothing scarier than being at war with your mind, a war that is invisible and carries no ‘magic cure’ regarding treatment. You are inclined to believe the thoughts crossing your mind because you are the one who created them but that isn’t exactly true. 

You’re alone – nobody cares or understands.

You’re the only one to have ever been through this. Your brain is wired differently. God, the list is endless. Let me tell you this, I’ve been there and I still am.When I was first diagnosed with anxiety, I was beyond terrified. I reverted from being a social butterfly to a nervous wreck, almost overnight. I can recall sending out a Facebook SOS, asking whether anyone else had anxiety, and had taken the beta blockers that I was on at the time. I wanted success stories, but mostly a magic cure.

While it may feel like it at times, we are not alone, and we are loved. I have found reaching out to fellow sufferers to be healing, like-minded strangers whom I can vent to, fully, without having to explain myself. There is a vast mental health community out there, including the world of social media. I have joined a number of Facebook groups, and found them to be of great comfort and support, particularly in times of crisis.

People would be better off without you

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m suicidal and that I have attempted to take my own life. I would be a pretty crappy blogger if I wasn’t totally honest with my readers. Numerous times I’ve reached out and said that, given half a chance, I would take my own life in a heartbeat. 

If you are going through something similar please reach out and tell someone, visit your doctor or A and E if you feel you’re a danger to yourself or others. You are strong, and you are worthy.