2018 has been a year of ups and downs, well, more downs than up, really. However, with the new year comes a fresh start, so I am determined to take the positives with me and leave the negatives behind. What I can say is that it has been a learning curve, one that has enabled me to learn so much about myself.
- I am kind-hearted – Despite whatever life may have thrown at me this year, I can stand proud in the fact that I have been there for my friends and family whenever needed.
- I am strong – I am strong for seeing this year through, for surviving every suicidal thought, for coming through every BPD dip that bit stronger. I have fought through the anxiety and depression to make it to now, and for that I can stand proud and hold my head up high.
- I am determined – 2018 has been another year of therapy, one of them being the most painful and challenging that I have had in my 7 years. So many times I wanted to give up, to walk away, but there was that small part of me willing to fight that bit harder, and I did, despite the increased anxiety and paralysing mood dips.
- I deserve better – I went into this year in a seemingly happy relationship, but things quickly turned sour after she turned emotionally abusive. She wore me down, making me question my self-worth when insult after insult was thrown at me. I was a see you next Tuesday, a child, a snob, too unstable to ever have children, you name it, and then came the mind games. I lost count of the amount of times she kicked off at me over the phone and face to face, and sent verbally abusive text messages. Not only that but she was a gas-lighter, hurling abuse and then spinning things round on me, leading me to believe it was my fault she was doing it – that I was her ‘trigger’. She tried to turn me against my friends and my family, and even went to hit me after screaming in my face. I was too scared to speak up, I was in too deep, so I put up with it, to the detriment of my mental health. I don’t know how, but one day things clicked, and I realised that I deserved better than her, that she was and will forever remain a nasty piece of work. I am proud of myself for finding this strength, and for walking away 3 months ago. It’s over, and I will never, ever go back to that level of toxicity.
- My story isn’t over yet- I had every intention of taking my own life on November 20th of this year, everything was set in stone. While suicidal ideation has been a major challenge for me for the past 7 years, I have never gone as far as to have a date set in mind. The fact that I am here, that I am still standing, goes to prove that it wasn’t my time, that, maybe, 2019 has bigger and better things in store for me. And I am proud of myself for fighting so hard through it all.
- I have an amazing support network – I may not have a crowd of people around me, but I have the right ones, and that’s more important. I know that if I were to call any of them in crisis during the early hours they would be there, something that I am beyond grateful for.
- I need to share my story more – One of my proudest moments of 2018 happened only a few weeks ago. A fellow sufferer of depersonalisation disorder contacted me to say that, because of a blog I wrote on the condition, she had finally been formally diagnosed with the condition. Thankfully, she is due to commence therapy in the new year, and I am beyond happy for her. My goal next year is to take my writing further and become a mental health advocate.
- And finally, I need to remove all toxicity from my life – While I may be strong, I am also a walk over, and this needs to change next year. I am so scared of hurting others that I hurt myself in the process. I have learnt that I need to stand up for myself more, and if something or someone isn’t of any benefit to me then I need to walk away – this is my life and I am in control.
Despite any hardships, try to start 2019 on a positive note, and make it the best year possible. I wish you a happy and healthy New Year. X
Loosening the Chains of Mental Illness 